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8/29/2000
A few minutes ago, I vomited - into a TK Max bag while my mum was holding it. It's my first vomit in 11 years! I can barely write at the keyboard because I know it's going to happen again soon - I can feel an ache, and this time my mum says I've got to do it in the toilet. :(
It started this lunchtime - I ate a Brie and bacon baguette and I just knew something was wrong with it (flies eggs I think). Three hours after that I had awful stomach cramps and nausea - it went on for seven hours of non stop cramps and nausea, until it got to the point where I just "knew" I was going to vomit.
I choked a little first and coughed, and a bit of disgusting liquid came up into my mouth. I then kept swallowing but I couldn't, and all of a sudden, this fountain of (brown and red) liquid spurted out of my mouth and it was uncontrollable - like liquid through a hosepipe turned on full. I tried to breathe but I couldn't as it was coming out of my nose as well. Then it just all stopped - I felt like a bit more was going to come up but I swallowed it down and I stood up. I was unattractively covered in vomit. It was on my chin and on my top, but I just said to my mum "I've vomited!" "I've vomited!" "Eleven years!" I can't explain to you the relief I feel. You may think I'm being really bigheaded about it but I'm so overwhelmed!
Anyway - as I'm writing this minutes after, I've got to go back and get ready to have another bout because I can feel it. Can anyone tell me how many times you think I'll vomit if I've got food poisoning and what the signs are to look out for?
Katy
Katy was wrong. She didn't vomit again after writing that message. Katy's message was unusually frank in the detail in which she described her episode. Needless to say, the message caused quite a stir in the support group, which has many false alarms but few actual episodes of vomiting among its members. Katy wrote these words in response to what was written in the group:
9/1/2000
Hi Everyone,
I really didn't intend to provoke you all to have these feelings about vomiting - it was quite the contrary and I'm hoping that when I talk about it in retrospect now, I'll be able to reassure you much more.
One member wrote how she thought emetophobics were a bit indestructible in terms of when they vomit and what makes them vomit, and I couldn't agree more with that. I've believed it since I've had the phobia - however a strange event took place the morning before I vomited.
I was taking the bus into town - something I hardly ever do, and I realized, how, these days I'm so much less bothered by my phobia than I was before. I thought back to how before Barney died (the friend who's funeral I described in April) I was incredibly scared - and how he'd always sought to comfort me about it, and he completely understood. He told me that I was leaning against a door with all my strength trying to hold it closed, but not knowing what was on the other side and so I was in a pointless struggle. I was having all these thoughts and suddenly my phobia came back a little and I thought (honestly) "I hope this doesn't jinx me. It would be awful if I vomited today etc. But, would it really be as bad as I think?" At that very moment (you can believe me or not) I felt a release of a burden, and I KNEW that from that moment on, I no longer had the ability not to vomit. (I'd always had the ability: cups of tea, fresh air, distraction, willing myself not to, hot water bottles, ginger, peppermint, anti emetics etc) But I felt that my fear had passed the boundary of complete and utter adamancy to vomiting - to the ability to vomit of an everyday person who doesn't suffer from emetophobia. But little did I know that I was going to vomit that very night!
The buildup to the vomit was just as bad as I'd expected. All the worries in the world came to me as I was preparing for it. But there was a point where I had to just let it happen - it was my instinct. My brain didn't say, "This can't happen...you have a phobia." In the end I just acted like any other person that had to vomit. And it only occurred to me afterwards that I'd done a life-changing thing - probably provoked by the thoughts I had on the bus...and Barney.
I think I'm less afraid now. I have the attitude that I'd rather "get it over with" than hold it all locked inside - because I hold so many things locked inside already that I can't afford to have this on top of everything else. The worst bit is the nausea, the cramps and the build up - and ALL OF YOU have already experienced it! I'd say that there is so much less pain involved in vomiting than there is in your lives already. Everyone has gone through some difficult time, which they've coped with admirably, and coping with vomiting is going to be so much easier than coping with any of those. If I could tell you anything, you're probably working yourselves up to a climax that isn't going to be worth it, and when you finally do vomit, you might feel you've wasted the time thinking about it so much. I'm glad it's happened to me now and not later, however this phobia can't lessen unless you actually vomit. I feel that I was unfortunate for a few hours (during the nausea and the cramps and the actual act) but I've benefited so much. For some strange reason I'm learning a lot at the moment about everything, and although I'm not seeing the benefits yet I'm sure I will.
Despite this - my phobia's not entirely gone. I can't sum it up right now - however I feel a great sense of relief after finally having done the act.
Take care, everyone.
Katy
There followed an exchange in the group about emetophobia being a petty condition; this started because a member started crying when she learned Katy vomited, yet realized vomiting is trivial compared with other health issues people deal with. Here's what Katy had to say:
9/2/2000
I don't think "petty" is a word to use to describe the phobia outside a phobic's boundaries. There just seemed a point before I vomited that I was presented with a crossroads. I probably could have held it back for a little while longer - however that would have led to a panic attack, the terrible out-of-control-feeling, the nausea and cramps to worsen. And even then, the food poisoning might have been so bad that I would have had to do it anyway - but in a much more undignified way than I did. Allowing myself to vomit, I felt that I was keeping some self-respect, and an instinct also told me that what was inside needed to get out and I knew it would only last a few seconds. The vomiting itself was nasty - but all vomiting is. The smell and taste weren't too bad but that was because I hadn't really eaten any spicy food or drunk any alcohol. It made me feel a bit unclean. Because all us emetophobics are so hygienic, and we all regard vomiting as a bit "dirty," I felt that I was no longer one of the crowd who had healthy bowels and hadn't vomited for years. I realized my well-cared-for stomach was just as likely to get upset as any other - and when it did, it made quite a big fuss! BUT - the seratonin soon kicked in and I drifted around the house, my stomach feeling better, phoned all my friends and told them, wrote an e-mail to the emetophobics (!) and I felt as if it was my birthday!
The rewards I got for vomiting well outnumbered the bad aspects of the vomiting itself. And when I look back on it, I don't think "I'm sorry I had this petty phobia." I think, "I'm glad I've started tackling it now rather than wasted more years in constant worry." It seems as if someone (Barney I think) has put me on some kind of exposure program. I gradually saw more pools of vomit in the street, then saw my best friend vomit several times - each time I became closer and closer involved and my fear diminished gradually. And the grand finale was on Tuesday night when I vomited myself. Luckily I felt a lot of love around me. I was in the place I consider to be the safest in my house, there was only one other person there, the television was on, the fire was blaring and I just got it over with.
Sorry for babbling - it's just so nice to explain it to people who understand its worth!
Katy
More than a week later, Katy wrote with the news that her emetophobia hadn't come back, even when she was confronted with a crisis:
9/10/2000
You'll be pleased to know that my lack of fear hasn't diminished too much since I vomited. Today, my boyfriend had a potential stomach virus and had all the symptoms and was incredibly pale. However I didn't hesitate to continually be with him, kiss him and try to make him feel better, and I haven't thought about the fact I could get it (if he has it) until now. And even now it doesn't worry me too much. I think I'm happy, however I'm not sure. There's no way I'd say I'm completely over it. You may find it easy to accuse me of never having a huge fear in the first place, but I DID. It wasn't embedded as long as many people on the list (eleven years) and I'm glad I'm tackling it now. But, having a lack of something to fear has left me depressed. I'm becoming withdrawn from everyone, I can't laugh and I'm incredibly serious all the time. I feel that there's something to be worrying about when there isn't. I've already accused my two best friends of talking behind my back, blamed my parents for my phobia to their faces, and had raging arguments with my boyfriend, claming him responsible for my moods. Is this some kind of side effect of coming out of something that has dominated your life for so long? Basically, I'm getting on everyone's nerves. I feel cynical about the world and my paranoia (which always came second to my phobia) has now pushed its way to the front. Can I not go through my life without having some kind of mental problem? However, I've decided to tackle it myself by trying to relax and stay positive. Any ideas what this could be anyone? At least you'll be pleased to know that I think I'm on the road to recovering from emetophobia.
Katy
Katy gave this advice to an emetophobic who was considering curing her emetophobia by inducing herself to vomit with syrup of ipecac:
11/5/2000
I don't know if you heard about when I vomited and had emetophobia, but I think I could be of some help, in helping you consider some form of facing your phobia other than inducing yourself to vomit. I can give you reassurance that vomiting isn't as bad as it seems. The moment before you vomit, although filled with panic, the phobia doesn't even enter your mind. I was more worried about where I was going to do it than the fact that I'd had a phobia of it for fourteen years of my life. It was as if my brain blocked the scared part and allowed the instinctive, primitive part to come through - probably just like childbirth (although I've never experienced that!) Even throughout the vomiting itself, although shocking, disgusting and foul, you are not thinking of your phobia, you are thinking "got to get this stuff out of here as fast as possible, cause it's not good for me...got to get it out, get it out...etc." And when it was over, it was over and I felt on top of the world.
If you choose to face your phobia by making yourself vomit through artificial means, it won't work. When you're vomiting because there's truly something wrong with you, there seems a purpose to it, and the purpose is to get better. But if you cause yourself to vomit making it 100% likely to happen, you will feel strong self-blame and very strong doubt and probably have a panic attack. This will worsen the whole situation, and far from helping you, will only make the experience more terrifying.
So what do you do? I'd suggest you try to reduce the effect vomiting would have on you by dismissing it as a trivial thing like I've managed to do. I'm not saying this'll work for you, but it did work for me, however it worked over a period of time. You'll never be able to not vomit again in your life, and far from run from it, you've got to grasp it with both hands. I know someone, who, while he's vomiting, he laughs. He knows that he can't stop it and it's disgusting, but he laughs at the disgusting situation he's got himself into and the fact that he can't get himself out of it. I respect him a lot and like spending time with him, because he's the most relaxed, chilled out person I've ever met. His father is a doctor, and although with great knowledge of illnesses, the family is very light hearted. It's such a nice environment. While they care for each other when they're ill, nobody panics, worries or stresses about it. I want to create an environment for my children that is more like theirs, and I'm learning how to gain their attitude and use it. There is no point running away from things all your life, because if you take the thing you're running away from and inspect it closely, you'll find something that will benefit you, even if it gives you more confidence because you've shown bravery!
If you really want to face your phobia in a safe way, go out and do all the things you always wanted to do but were too scared to do because of the vomiting element. Take plastic bags, etc. (okay I know it sounds stupid, but they are a reassurance). If you were brave enough to consider the syrup of ipecac, you'll be brave enough to do something you wanted to do like going out, and your friends will still be there for support and there'll even been a lesser risk of you vomiting! Keep doing it and get back into normal habits again and then work from there on making it a smaller part of your life. I know it's easy for me to say now when three months ago I would have been scared of this advice, but I promise there is NO REASON to be scared. There is a lot to be gained from conquering your fear of vomiting: your health is improved; you'll suffer no more panic nausea; you can do what you like; and you don't have to take any more pills for stomach problems. You can care for your friends and family when they vomit, you can go out and enjoy yourself, you can spend a lot more time in the day being happy rather than worrying, and you will never miss an opportunity again. The list is endless, but please trust me (!) there is the most enormous light at the end of the tunnel!
Katy
In May 2001, Katy let the group know in no uncertain terms that emetophobia was no longer part of her life:
I think I can finally say that I'm over emet and I have pulled away from the group to get to that place. I hope to be a representation to any of you of someone who has successfully beaten it, and I had it very strongly. ... I'd also like to signoff the emetophobia list which will be very significant for me as I have been on it for four years, but I think I need to move on.
Although what worked for Katy may not cure every emetophobic, her advice is offered here as proof that emetophobia can be cured.