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This is the story of an emetophobe named Molly, who found her anxiety reduced after she vomited at age 19 in July 2001. She's not sure she's cured yet, but she's working on it. These are excerpts of messages she sent to an online emetophobia support group at the time. They are reprinted here with her permission.
In her first message, Molly let the group know she was sick.
July 12, 2001 10:58 AM EDT
Hi guys!
Well I must have caught something from the animals. Yesterday at the shelter we got two new litters of wild kittens who were so little and adorable that I played with them and let them get all over me. Jut hours after I left work, I started to feel sick.
This is not in my head. These are my symptoms -- I have been VERY nauseated, all night, and several times I really thought I was going to throw up. I have really bad diarrhea, my whole body is undergoing hot flashes and shakes, and I feel extremely weak. I had to call my teacher this morning and tell her I'm missing class, and call work to tell them as well. I didn't eat dinner last night cuz I didn't feel right, and I haven't eaten anything since yesterday evening. I'm SO nauseated that I'm certain it will make me vomit. I'm so scared.
My mother gave me antibiotics and says I need them and that they're really great, but I won't take them (sound familiar anyone?) My experience with antibiotics is that they make me even more nauseated. Especially since I can't eat anything.
What do you guys think? Should I eat? Take meds? Go to the doctor? No, I'm too sick to go to the doctor.
Molly
Some members of the group let Molly know the obvious, namely that her mother shouldn't be giving her antibiotics indiscriminately, and that antibiotics aren't appropriate for her condition.
Three and a half hours later, Molly is still obviously very nauseated.
July 12, 2001 2:30 PM EDT
Hey guys,
I'm way too nauseated to eat anything. I look at food and it makes me want to throw up. I called my supervisor and she said I couldn't have gotten it from the animals (so even breathe a sigh of relief!)
Molly
Almost eight hours later, Molly still hadn't vomited. She shared with the group some revealing information that might contain a clue about why she has emetophobia.
July 12, 2001 10:19 PM EDT
We've talked about my mom before, and she's nuts. Her mom had been a nurse and used to give her medicine and shots for the slightest ailments. This is how my mother handles these things. Instead of loving care, she gives me medicine.
Molly
Shortly thereafter, Molly sent this news flash:
July 12, 2001 10:44 PM EDT
GUESS WHAT?!?!?! I VOMITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omigosh I can't believe it. I'm still in shock. All day, I was feeling worse than I've ever felt in my life. My whole body hurt, from head to toe, and I was shaking, and experiencing strong hot and cold flashes. The nausea was there and would get better and worse randomly. In addition to the awful diarrhea I had all day, I felt these REALLY sharp pains in my intestines, like I had an ulcer. I couldn't get out of bed without swarms of lightheadedness and nausea taking over my whole body. I knew I was really really sick. At one point when my dad got home, I began to cry, my vision blurred, my legs shaking, and my back drenched with sweat. I had already taken the antibiotics (because I also have a bladder infection and at least they'll help with that.)
My dad brought me sour yogurt and rice broth, saying it would relax my stomach. Well, after I'd eaten it, I felt this strange heave coming on. I got up and ran into the bathroom, knowing what was to come. The worst part of this all was the moment before I threw up, and I was thinking, "I haven't done this in so many years, is it really gonna happen?" But I was SO sick. I couldn't hold it any longer. And that's when it happened.
Let me tell you guys, although it was very disgusting, it was also relieving. Afterwards, I stood up and realized that all my symptoms had faded to barely being there. I went into my kitchen to tell my sister and dad that I'd thrown up, and they both started clapping and cheering for me. I felt like I'd won some award.
It's so weird now....I hope it's all over, but if it comes back, I'm ok with it, because I know it will make me feel better. Man I hated it, but when you're that sick, you have no choice. It's your body's way of repairing itself.
I still don't know how I got sick. The shelter swears the animals could not have caused it. Just a germ I guess. I can't say right now if it's cured my emet or not. I have to wait and see, but I can say that I'm much more comfortable with the whole concept of it now. I'm also glad that it happened. After so many years of waiting and fearing, I'm proud to say I got it over with and I'm ok.
Those of you who haven't vomited in a long time, don't fight it. I guess that's my advice. I know how hard it is for an emet to accept vomiting as a part of life (man do I know!) but remember when you are feeling very ill that it will make you feel so much better. Oh, and, think of something else while it's happening. I was sort of daydreaming, while at the same time plugging my nose and thinking of song lyrics, and it made the whole process pass quicker. Anyway I guess that's all I have to say.
I'm still so surprised......
wow........
Thanks everyone for being there for me,
Molly
(emphasis added)
Molly managed to fight the nausea for over 24 hours before she vomited. The next evening, Molly had been able to reflect on her experience and had some advice for the other emetophobes.
July 13, 2001 7:53 PM EDT
You guys, please don't worry yourselves so!!!!!! Listen to me. I'm gonna try to help here.........I have a lot to say.....
First of all, I did only vomit that once, but I still have the diarrhea. At this point when the nausea comes back, I find myself not caring if I throw up.
I have been the worst emet ever. I couldn't ride buses or elevators, I would go to class and leave due to panic if I couldn't get an aisle seat, I was nauseated 24/7, I had a million false alarms with no vomiting, social events terrified me, I lost 30 pounds one year because I was too afraid that eating would make me vomit, I refused to take meds cuz of the side effects, I swore that I'd rather give birth to a hundred babies than ever once vomit....that's how bad I was.........
But this experience has changed me!!!! Ok, do you guys remember about 8 months ago when I was so upset about this fear that I was gonna go buy some ipecac syrup (or whatever it's called) just to get it over with? The anxiety about what it would be like was enough to make me actually want to do it! But you guys advised me not to, and just told me to prepare myself for the real thing if I ever got sick one day...which was last night.....
Something you all wrote about was how you were surprised that I could remain so calm. Which got me thinking about emetophobia ...thinking really hard....and this is what I came up with....this is the most important thing I have to write about right now.....THE FEAR AND ANXIETY OF EMETOPHOBIA IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN REAL VOMITING, AND THE NAUSEA CAUSED BY EMETOPHOBIA IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FROM REAL NAUSEA CAUSED BY BEING SICK. Everytime I've felt nauseated in the last few years, I've totally panicked. My pulse would race and I would just pray that I wouldn't get sick. But those times, as real as they felt, were not really cases of nausea ... I only know that now that I have the real thing to compare them to. I think it's easier to panic when it's that "other"--the emet---form of nausea. It's because of our brains. Our brains somehow create that nausea and the fear along with it.
Look, something changes in our brains when we're really sick. Yesterday, when I was agonizing over my physical condition, it occured to me that I may vomit, and although yes, the thought frightened me, my body somehow prepared itself for the incident without panic. I don't know how or what it works, but my brain told me "for once, this isn't fake, this is real, and you have to throw up now".... So, in those moments before I vomited and I was walking into the bathroom, all my panic disappeared because my brain had been able to distinguish between emetophobia and really being sick. Yes, it was so odd that I was calm, but it wasn't under my control. I had been feeling so incredibly awful, my whole body had hurt inside and out. Sometimes you just need to vomit and there's no other way. That's what I'd accepted in that brief moment. The whole experience was NOT that bad, and after feeling so much better afterwards, I realized that we should not fear nor reject throwing up in situations when we are really sick.
Of course, that brings you to, how do you know when it's emet and when it's really sickness? I can't answer that. I only know the feeling in my body, and I wish I could somehow explain it in a way that would cure you all!!! I guess I can say, when you get nauseated in a quick manner, and when it happens in a scary or emotional situation, it's your emetophobia and you're NOT gonna vomit. For example, if you got nauseated reading these words, you're not really sick. But if you have a fever and can barely stand up and have the nastiest diarrhea in the world and your body is practically heaving, well, than you probably will vomit (and you probably will want to because anything is better than feeling that way.) And when you're in that situation, you won't panic. Your brain will eliminate the ability to panic and will allow you to naturally accept what is happening......trust me.....
So, I'm sorry if you are discouraged that an emetophobe can vomit. But just know this: Emetophobes do have a higher threshold and will vomit less than other people. But we are human and we do get sick. It's a (unfortunate) fact of life. I didn't mean to scare you guys. Heck, you might go for the rest of your life never throwing up again!!!! But if you ever are in the situation where you are really going to vomit, I hope you just accept it (and I hope you realize the same things that I realized as a result.)
I've been eating bits of this and that all day, and I think I'm recovering. There's always the chance that I'll vomit again, but it doesn't really matter to me if I do. Man, I hope this attitude sticks with me permanently. Emetophobia is the worst thing ever. I wish I could say or do something to all of you to show you that emetophobia is worse than vomiting. The terror that emet brings on is such a tragedy and it's making me cry to think that we endure this. All we all need is an experience like mine to convince you that it's time to stop worrying.
I hope I helped here.....
Molly
(emphasis added)
A few days later, Molly said she's not entirely sure her emetophobia is gone.
July 18, 2001 12:36 AM EDT
Hey guys,
I'm nervous. Almost everyone who wrote me back talked about how vomiting
helped them for a while and then it was back to emet again. I really don't
want that to happen. I'm gonna fight it with all my strength. Tonight I
saw a movie in the theater (one of the worst things for me with emet) and I
did start to get a little queasy. I hate to think it's coming back. Molly ;)
Eleven days after her vomit experience, Molly updated the group about the way it has affected her thinking about emetophobia.
July 23, 2001 9:01 PM EDT
I think it takes a lot more than vomiting to cure an emet. It's not just about
the act of vomiting itself, it's about deeper issues and panic and OCD. By
OCD, I mean that there's that obsessive thought on our minds every moment of
the day "will I puke today?" and I still do have that thought even though I'm
not that scared anymore, because I'm USED to thinking that, and it's a hard
habit to break. I tell myself "stop worrying about it, you're ok," but I
can't break free. Then there's the social aspect I wrote about last time.
I'm still scared of vomiting in public, not because I'm afraid of throwing up anymore
(though I was afraid of that before I threw up, so that's where I've improved),
but because I'm afraid of how others will react. ... Though I
can say I feel better these days. I eat more indiscriminately, whatever
tastes good, without worrying about it making me sick. So all in all,
things are better. I will always hate vomiting because it's gross and feels
yucky, but it doesn't plague my every piece of existence, which is a great
improvement.
Molly
(emphasis added)
Molly advised the author some time later about the progress she was making.
November 15, 2001 12:11 AM EST
So...am I still cured? I am still so much better. The best cure for an emet is to actually vomit, and I stand
by that. I'm not saying it ALWAYS cures an emet. It's easy to fall back into fear. But it's the only thing
that can do the trick, ultimately, in my opinion. Others may say they got over the fear through relaxation or
meds or whatever. And I believe that they can be helped by mental training in the obsessive arena. But
even so, the act of vomiting in itself is in its own box. It's more real than any mental awareness. It takes
really vomiting for a person to know what it is they have been obsessing over. Because an emet loses a
sense of what this thing called vomiting really is. You hear emets say they don't know how to tell if they are
gonna really vomit or if it's just the anxiety, adding that they have forgotten what vomiting feels like, just that
they fear it. That's why the real thing beats the competition in cures.
As for my state, I have felt real nausea maybe 5 times since July (not including a few panic-caused
nauseas.) Each time, with the real nausea, it's been either from drinking too much soda, eating something
weird, or a side effect of a pill. Those times, I did not panic. I hated the feeling, and I will ALWAYS hate the
feeling of nausea. While in the state, I do not like to do anything, and I need to be left alone. But I do not
panic. In the fake-nausea instances, they were outlived. I got nervous in front of a classroom, so the panic
and nausea set in. But unlike before my incident in July, I have control now, and I can get rid of that anxiety
by willing it away. Why? Because I know I won't vomit. Knowing I won't vomit comes from knowing the
feeling I had before vomiting, and comparing the two. Before I was "cured" by vomiting, I had no idea what
the "real" pre-puke state felt like.
More than a year after that, Molly sent this update:
November 25, 2002
I'm doing ok
these days - my emetophobia has been far worse. I'd say I'm part cured but part still emetophobic. I'll start with the positive and work my way into the negative.
Well, I don't fear myself vomiting after I eat or when I am full (I
used to!), and if I'm nauseated, I don't panic (I used to!). I have a healthy diet and I'm taking Paxil, so I rarely ever get nausea anymore. Also, I'm not always obsessively thinking about vomiting anymore, at least not when I'm at home (which is most of the time.) Ok, so that part of my emet is gone. I still have trouble handling large public places far from bathrooms. For example, walking down a busy street, or being crammed on a full bus, gives me major anxiety. Sometimes I end up nearly gagging just from thinking about vomiting in those situations. I get myself really worked up!
So, I guess I'm not cured. I don't know. I'm still optimistic that someday I will get over this. That's just how I am :)
A few months later, Molly revised her assessment by concluding that while she still feared vomiting in public, she had no fear of vomiting in private. (Which by the definition of this site means she no longer has emetophobia.)
February 1, 2003
(In response to a question about how she became cured for real and not just convincing herself she's cured.)
Well, it's not so easy to explain. It's a feeling and acceptance you just
have to acquire on your own. But I will try nonetheless to put it into
words. When I used to feel nausea, I would dwell on the thought of vomiting and the
unpleasantness that came with it. I always ended up panicking, especially in
public. Like I've said before, I still worry in public, but not as much as I
used to. My biggest accomplishment though has come in terms of private
vomiting. I guess I've been different (or never gone back to the level of emetophobia
that I was) since I vomited in the summer of 2001. I panicked and
fought it for almost 24 hours, and then I just did it. I was alone and in
the bathroom, thank goodness! Anyway, ever since then, I've managed to
handle nausea better. I think the only times I've panicked in the last year and
a half (since I threw up) were times I was out in public and "trapped," in a
vehicle or center of an aisle or something. But no matter where I am, I
manage the nausea better.
I don't know why - I don't know how - and I don't know what advice to give you - other than this: You get to a point where you WANT to overcome your phobia. Your will to
overcome emetophobia gets STRONGER THAN YOUR WILL TO AVOID VOMITING. If given the choice,
you would rather be free of this phobia and vomit than have this phobia and not
vomit. You just have to convince yourself of that,
I think we emetophobics manage to blow our memories of vomiting out of proportion. For
instance, I remember puking after a food poisoning incident around the age of 10. I also
remember that I didn't dwell on it or fear vomiting until I was 16. When I was 16
and developed emetophobia, I THEN began to dwell on that barfing incident when I was 10.
Why didn't I think about it at all between age 10-15? And when I was 16, I
kept thinking it was such a horrible thing, when at the time, I was fine. I
really think we lose our perceptions of reality over time. I'm not trying to
insult anyone, for I have done this too! I could be totally wrong, but I
know many emetophobes have personally told me that you are OK for
days or weeks after you throw up - and that you think you're over emetophobia because you
realize it wasn't that bad - and then one day it all comes back and you're
phobic again. You don't need to keep vomiting once a month to be cured of emetophobia.
You just need to remind yourself that it wasn't that bad!
You won't lose your mind if you vomit. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised. The reason
you fear it so much is because you had a particularly disgusting episode
that scarred you, that traumatized you, so you spent a lot of time thinking
about that incident, you stopped eating normal foods so you got nauseated and
created a never-ending cycle of nausea and flashbacks and mental obsessions.
Habits are easy to create; not easy to end. This quote applies to many
things: LOVE IS EASY TO BEGIN, BUT HARD TO END. War is easy to start, but
hard to stop. It's one of those things in life. Another reason you fear vomiting
is probably because you are mentally predisposed to anxiety or disorders, as
we have discussed before. So, there are many reasons you have this phobia
other than the typical unpleasantness of vomiting. But you CAN GET OVER IT.
If there was a time when you didn't have it, you can return to that. It's a
million times harder to get over a phobia than it is to develop one, but you
can do it.
You have to trust that when you vomit, you will have enough time to get
to a safe place, you will have control over the act (as much control as you
can have over something like this); and just try not to wonder all
the time when it will happen next. If it's gonna happen, then why worry
about it? That won't help at all!
PAXIL is an AMAZING drug. It really works!
It took me from always wondering if I was gonna vomit to just not really
thinking about it anymore. I can actually go places like a normal person
without thinking I am going to be sick!
Molly had this to say to another emetophobe after Molly had a bout with motion sickness and feared she might vomit:
July 24, 2003
Two summers ago when I vomited, going through
with the act was such a blessing for me. I was grateful for months that it happened. I was so panicked prior to the incident, and minutes before, I knew it was coming and decided not to fight it. As I was actually in the process of throwing up, I focused on what was happening to me. I thought about how keeping the puke in my stomach was unwise and let myself feel this act as it was occurring -- this act that I had so dreaded -- and found that I could suddenly tolerate what was happening to me. It took a while for me to realize it, but I know the root of my fear now. I dont necessarily fear vomiting. I fear the
uncertainty of it and the lack of control. I also fear criticism by
others and that's why I panic in public places.
Molly described her philosophy of emetophobia this way:
August 5, 2003
This is how I see it: You go your whole life thinking vomiting is no big deal, then one day someone MAKES it a big deal, your brain is traumatized, and you remember that incident as an outstandingly horrible thing. But then, years later, you witness something simuilar, and this time, you are able to see it as tolerable because you come into it expecting so much worse. Then suddenly, you have an epiphany, and the reality takes over the nightmare.
Molly described how she dealt with a crisis:
August 10, 2003
Just last weekend, I thought I was going to throw up and even got to the point where I was seated on the floor next to the toilet in the small bathroom with the door locked. I had the toilet seat up and everything, my face right over the toilet, because it WAS coming up. I willed it up even, but it wouldn't come out. I tried to get it out but it was not in my control. My body would not do it. Waiting all that time for the feeling to finally pass was the most irritating part. It is NOT easy for us to vomit!!!
Molly vomited repeatedly on August 19, 2003. This was the first time since the incident which led to her cure. The vomiting was much more severe this time, and Molly's reaction was much different.
August 19, 2003 2:29 AM PDT
I just vomited and I am NOT happy about it. Nope, not like two years ago when I was jumping for joy. Can't remember NOW what I was so happy about then... maybe the fact that I lived through it? Well I might rather have NOT lived through this one. Oh my GOD it was absolutely terrible... I am in SHOCK right now. Shock. Still shaking.
So, first of all, I have not been feeling well at all since I got off Paxil. I got past the withdrawal symptoms but I seem to be panicking everywhere I go now. Sunday I went to a Chuck-E-Cheese type place with Jessica, Jeff, Kevin, and their parents and I was thinking I was going to puke the entire time. I figure it was just anxiety because there were about 12,000 people in this place running into me and the bathrooms were far away and the line was long for the bathroom. Literally my WORST scenario possible to be in while nauseated. Anyway, I survived that. Still felt nausea all day yesterday but not the "on the verge of puking" type of nausea as much as just constant ache.
Ok, now for what led up to tonight- Kevin and I started a job together this week. Actually it's my day job, and he is coming in to help. We survived the first day (Monday) together, acting very professionally in the office. We decided to sleep together the nights before we both work and just carpool into work together. Ok, you'll see why I'm saying all this in a minute. So, tonight, he was here to watch a TV show with me tonight. I'd had Campbell's soup for dinner and then I decided to eat a peppermint patty during the show. It tasted great and gave me a sugar rush and I was fine for about 30 minutes.
Then we were getting ready for bed. I got REALLY nauseated and asked him to leave. He hesitated, the poor guy, because he was already in his boxers and in the comfy bed. But I just KNEW I was going to throw up, and I cannot do it with anyone present. So I told him to please go home and that I was very sorry. So he left. Then I tried to sleep it off but I just knew it was going to happen. I actually fell asleep for about 10 minutes, only to wake up to incredibly severe nausea. So I sat beside the toilet and waited. And waited. This time, the total waiting from the onset of nausea until I vomited was only about 5 hours. Two years ago, I waited almost 24 hours (if I remember correctly.)
So anyway, I was sitting there with my head over the toilet, and it kept starting to come up and not coming, and I got REALLY MAD and started bitching at myself. I was horrified and really pissed. Then it started. It started with 5 dry heaves! That has NEVER happened to me before! I kept dry heaving with nothing coming up, so I grabbed my water bottle and scarfed it down. Then I continued to dry heave until I began to puke.
The act of throwing up was the most horrible of all my past vomits. It lasted longer, tasted worse, and came out my nose. I could not believe it came out my nose. I had plugged my nose and even when I blew my nose afterwards, there was the stuff. I was SO MAD. I don't know why I am so mad. I have no idea why I feel this way. I finally stopped vomiting but I feel it is not over. It has been 20 minutes but I feel just as sick as I did before I puked. Almost worse. The things is, this time, I didn't let out all the vomit. I kinda stopped myself early. I am cursing myself for that. I wish I just got it all out. It will probably happen again. I really don't want that. I am so incredibly tired I just want to SLEEP! I have to get up in a few hours to get ready for work and I am scared to call in sick. I really don't want to go in, especially if this happens again or I still feel nauseated at that time. But there is SO MUCH work to be done at the office that my boss really needs me to come in. If I miss a day, I let everyone there down, because they rely on me for stuff. She will be so disappointed. She is perfectly healthy and doesn't understand sickly people at all.
So right now I am feeling like I'm going to throw up again, I'm worried about missing work, I'm deathly exhausted but too nauseated to sleep, so I'm in a terrible mood. The one good thing is that yet again this did not happen in a public place. I will worry forever about this happening in a public place. I could barely handle it alone. I am going to end up a recluse. What the hell is WRONG with me? What did it? What made me sick?
Well, I do have an interesting revelation. About 6 years ago, I puked one night after eating After Eights. Those are European chocolate covered mint gels. Just like peppermint patties. Taste exactly the same. So I'm thinking I cannot eat these mint things, because I do not vomit often - only three times in the past 7 years - and two of those times were after eating these things. Hmmm. OK now I am just stalling. I am just typing away as a procrastination for what is yet to come. Why do I not feel better now that I threw up? I am fed up. Thanks for reading this and sorry I could not be more uplifting, and sorry if I scared half of you to death. I just wanted to be honest and not pretend that I'm OK.
August 19, 2003 2:48 AM PDT
I can't stop throwing up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa It just keeps happening! WHY? I keep having to run back to the toilet and do it, then stop for a few minutes. Can't it all come out? AHHHH!!!!!! How does one make the VOMITING STOP?!!!!
August 19, 2003 3:45 AM PDT
It's not easing. Been 2 hours since my first post about throwing up and I just this moment threw up again for the hundredth time. Now I am basically dry heaving and I am in pain. I am also having "fun" down below if you know what I mean. Wow. I have NEVER had a recurrent episode like this. This is the worst feeling. Do I drink water or not drink water? What do I do? I wish I could get a shot to make it stop, but I don't want to leave home!
August 19, 2003 6:45 AM PDT
Well, I am still puking. Just got done with the last round and came in here to read email. I managed to sleep about thirty minutes but was awakened by you-know-what. I feel like this is never going to stop. I do not have flat soda, crackers, or any anti-emetics. I just wish I had a Reglan right now. Kevin is on his way to the store to get me some soda water and stuff. I am so glad he left because I could not handle anybody being around while I go through this. Obviously I am not going into work if I am still vomiting. I tried to calm down the last few hours and not freak out, but I still dread every single moment, and it is NOT getting any easier. My body is not made to cope with all of this. I have NOT VOMITED THIS MUCH IN MY WHOLE LIFE COMBINED. This is absolutely insane and now I know what you guys are talking about when you puke over and over. Never wanted that to happen to me!
I am not allergic to chocolate. I think it is a strange coincidence that both vomits occurred after eating mint which I rarely ever eat, but I don't think the mint is to blame (and I eat chocolate on a daily basis!) I think it's a stomach virus. I'm grateful that this happened in my home, but that's all I'm grateful for now.
I'm still angry. Tuesday is my highest paying day and I would be making 100 bucks today which I need, so now I don't get that money. There is no way I am working. Both bosses will be mad at me but screw them. I am mad too, LOL. One more thing... I am incredibly thirsty and my body is craving water, but every time I drink it, I puke it up. Between throwing up, diarrhea, and crying all this time, I have lost so much water, and I'm getting a headache from the dehydration. So if this does not stop soon (which it doesn't seem like it will) then I will HAVE to get an IV of fluids. Seriously guys, just GOING to the emergency room is almost as bad as throwing up, but I guess I'll have no choice. I just want to keep damn water down! Ok going now... feeling sick again... thanks again to all and I love you guys... so glad you are here (but now really "here" LOL).
August 19, 2003 5:08 PM PDT
I haven't read the posts since my last post because it hurts to look at the computer screen. Everything is dancing. My eyes cannot focus. I have stopped vomiting, finally, but I think it's because I FOUND a Reglan in my purse after digging. Ever since I took it, I have not thrown up.
Now that is NOT to say I feel fine. I feel sicker now than I have yet and I just feel like dying. I cannot stand or move, so coming to this computer was a battle in itself. I am in so much physical pain, with my intestines, back, throat, and head stabbing me. This is the worst feeling in the world and I am paralyzed with pain. I know I need to go to the hospital but the only way I could get there is in an ambulance. I cannot even walk. I have kept down some sparkling water so I am more hydrated. But I cannot eat yet. I had a couple crackers and started getting nauseated again. My body hurts so bad I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I have to go back to bed now.
When will I feel better? I still feel like I am going to vomit again. Absolutely no relief in sight yet. And my head is burning up but I cannot find my thermometer. I won't let Kevin come over. I prefer being alone but I don't want to die. I think if I get any hotter I will die. Ok...going now...
August 20, 2003 11:50 AM PDT
Sorry for not writing sooner and letting you guys worry about where I am. I fell asleep 12 hours ago and slept this entire time. I cannot believe how much I slept. I did not go to the hospital but rather took a Tylenol - willing to face throwing up again if it were to make me nauseated - and thank goodness it helped with the pain and brought my fever down. My temperature stabilized around 100 last night (that's when I felt COOL) and right now it is 97. So that's a good sign. All the Reglan and Tylenol has worn off since it's been 12 hours since I took any, and I feel like I don't need to take anymore. I still have slight pain in my abs and back, but it's tolerable. I CAN get out of bed and walk around now without feeling like I am going to die.
I'm having my friend Dave bring me a bean burrito right now. It's my favorite fast food in the whole world and I am craving one. All I've eaten in 36 hours is crackers and I am hungry, and I hope the bean burrito makes me feel better and not worse. All in all, I think this is over. I did have to miss another day of work and I am so disappointed that I could not go in. But what can I do... I need to recover first.
I'm actually really scared to leave my apartment. I can't even step outside. I think agoraphobia is hitting me big time after this horrible sickness. If I can offer any consolation to you guys to make you feel better and not freaked out, here it is. I suspect this happened to me for lack of care on my part. I am not hygenic and do not wash my hands before I eat and after I touch strange things like doorknobs. Most of you are hygenic. Those of you who are often washing your hands will probably never get sick like this. The other thing I have against me is that my immune system is astonishingly poor due to many factors: I am hypoglycemic and have a candida (yeast) problem and have been urged by doctors to NOT eat sugary or floury products that promote unhealthy bacteria in my body. Because I am susceptible to infection when I eat these foods, it would be wise for me to stay off them. I have abused my body for months now by eating a basically carb/starch/sugar diet - exactly what my body CANNOT take. This has built up and taken a toll on my health. It lowered my immune system to the extreme. A couple of weeks before I got this sickness, I was feeling already weak and could barely walk up a flight of stairs. So my cheerful note to you guys is that you will not get sick like me if you are overall healthy, eat right, and wash your hands. I was literally a time bomb waiting to go off in some fashion. I figured I would end up paying for my senselessness in some way - cancer or something - but instead I got a stomach virus. Hey maybe I'll get cancer too! Maybe I HAVE cancer and this is a side effect...
This is why I want to start taking better care of my body. I have just not had the time with my two jobs and little income. It's easy to eat free pizza when you work at a pizza place, or to drive through a McDonalds. But this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't think I should ever have sugar again! Especially since I puked right after eating a bunch of it. This is a long note but as usual I have lots to say. I will write back individually to some emails I got from you guys as well. Alright I'm going to eat my burrito now. I'll be around if anyone wants to talk to me. Adios!
Molly wrote this in response to someone who told her she was brave:
August 20, 2003 12:25 PM PDT
Thanks but what choice did I have? I couldn't really keep from vomiting... and am I brave for living through it? So I lived... I didn't die... I wasn't brave, I cried through it all. But time passed as it always does. So I am recovering. I don't know if I'm brave, but thanks for the kind words.
August 20, 2003 10:18 PM PDT
I think something is seriously wrong with me. I have not felt this hopeless, stressed, dilusional, angry, etc in a long time. Right now, though I am almost fully recovered, I feel like I am going crazy. Obviously I am malnourished and unbalanced mentally and physically. And I am CONVINCED that Kevin hates me. He came over tonight and I got mad at him for no reason, got really quiet and would not speak to him - even after he brought me some food. I kept telling him he does NOT love me. It just doesn't sound like me! I have to work both jobs tomorrow and I don't want to leave my apartment. I know I have to go out and face the world again but I don't feel ready. I have to push myself. I lost a bunch of money too and HATE that. Ok I am just being ridiculously negative so I should stop now. I'm gonna try to get a good night's sleep. I don't know what I would have done without you guys!
August 21, 2003 7:49 PM PDT
I just do not seem to be healing and the world is making me lose my mind. I went to work this morning and immediately regretted it. Kev drove me because I was too weak to drive myself. I panicked BIG TIME in the car and was screaming and on the verge of vomiting again. We made it to the building and I worked my normal shift, but I was seeing "floaters" in my eyes, hearing crackling noises in my ears, and kept getting lightheaded. And my body was still killing me.
I was talking to an older man who works with me, and he told me it sounded a heck of a lot like the West Nile Virus, which incidentally came to San Jose in recent weeks. (Here's what it says online about the virus: symptoms could include the rapid onset of severe headache, high fever, stiff neck, nausea, difficulty swallowing, vomiting, drowsiness, confusion, loss of consciousness, lack of coordination, muscle weakness and paralysis.) Yeah well my illness was VERY RAPID ONSET and has all these symptoms. But even after I couldn't take it any longer and broke down crying at work, I still told myself I do NOT have the West Nile Virus, that the chances are slim, but then I realized I did get several bad mosquito bites last week.
So when my shift ended, I had just HAD it. I was FED UP. So i have Kev take me to the ER. At the ER, I told them it has been 3 days since I got sick and I do not feel better, that I still have a fever, and my blood pressure was REALLY low. You all know I hate hospitals and doctors because a doctor has never, ever helped me in my life, but rather made my life worse and almost killed me during surgery once. But I was hopeful that they would help me out and run tests - I said I thought this was more than a stomach virus. Well, once again, they did NOT want to listen to me, said I only had a stomach virus, would not take a blood test for the West Nile Virus, and only ended up giving me an IV of fluids when I ASKED. They seemed like they didn't want to be bothered with me. When the nurse gave me the IV, she was rough and forced the needle into my hand so quickly that it PIERCED me with pain. So I ended up hysterical and in tears again. The bag of fluids made me feel a little bit better. So I managed to eat some rice and chicken afterwards.
I am not saying I have the West Nile Virus, but the fact that it is in my CITY, I have several infected mosquito bites, and I have all the symptoms, made me HOPE that they would at least CONSIDER that I have it. The fact that they were rude to me and wouldn't test me for anything OF COURSE makes me worry that I still might have something serious. It has been almost 72 hours since the onset of symptoms and I am still feeling miserable. I probably DON'T have the West Nile and I will probably feel better soon. I just don't know why it's taking me so long to recover. My stomach is still killing me, I am still delerious, and I have NO strength. Sorry to keep blabbering to you guys! I just won't go away! I hope I'm not scaring any of you. Uggh. I just need to write all this because I really am losing my mind. I have to go back to bed now. Thanks for putting up with me for so long.
Molly answered some questions from another member of the group:
August 24, 2003 12:13 PM PDT
Q: The first time you vomited with this bug, did you panic big time? I know you hated it but did you 'accept' vomiting or fight it all the way? I gauged from your posts that your main fear is vomiting in public but that you can cope with it (if only barely!) if you're alone at home.
A: I panicked when I realized that I was definitely going to throw up and I knew there was no way around that. That realization came about 15 minutes before I threw up, probably. Once I KNEW I was going to vomit, I just braced myself. I didn't try to fight it because the nasty feeling was eating me up inside and I wanted to get rid of it! So I wasn't at all surprised when the very first vomit came up. I expected to feel much better once it was over, so as much as I hated the act, I accepted it. When the vomiting stopped, I did feel relief, until I realized I still felt just as horrible as I did before. So, I only panicked after it persisted and I repeated the ordeal several times. I panicked because it kept happening and I could not put up with that much vomiting!!
Q: I know you weren't counting, but when you say you threw up lots of times, roughly how many are we talking? Like more than ten? Also, did it get easier the more you did it? I mean, I know you were scared and crying, but did the panic regarding the actual act subside?
A: Between 2 AM and 9 AM, I threw up probably about 7 or 8 separate times, with each incident lasting close to a minute and involving at least a dozen heaves. Each bout was just as long as the last, until the last two bouts. The second to last bout was only a few heaves, and the final bout lasted only a couple seconds. It didn't really get easier because I kept getting more and more afraid of it lasting forever. The longer it lasted, the more upset I was that it hadn't stopped. Does that make sense? Eventually, the panic did subside because I was taken over by physical pain. When Kevin came over at 9:30 AM on Tuesday morning, I was paralyzed beside the toilet, and I was hurting too much to move. I have felt slightly panicked every day since the incident because I still feel nauseated.
Q: What was the worst for you thoughout this whole ordeal? The nausea? The actual vomiting? Panic? Feeling of loss of control/not knowing when it would stop?
A: Hmm, the worst part? Definitely the duration of it. I've puked lots in my life, and every incident I remember was just a one-time thing where I felt fine afterwards. So the worst part was that it kept happening and I still don't feel 100% after almost a week has passed.
I hope I answered your questions. I wish I had something positive to say, but I really don't, and I'm not gonna lie and say it was no big deal.
Here's Molly's complete vomiting history: