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Shari's story of a strange experience where she tried to "give in" but couldn't vomit

This story was submitted by a Washington emetophobe named Shari in January 2002. She describes a battle with nausea ... and her emetophobia.

Here's a little story about an experience I had with my emet last week.

First, I should say that my emet had been very much in control for the last few years. (at least I thought it was?) Yes, I still took precautions like staying away from sickies and using Purell hand gel while out in public, but I would say I hadn't had a full blown phobic episode in a good 24-36 months.

Last Thursday night, while watching "Roots" on the Hallmark channel, I started to feel queasy. It was "different" from times past when I couldn't figure out if it was in my head or not. I was positive that it was real. (knew that for sure when I took two pepto tablets and it only made the nausea worse..EEK!) I made myself a cup of tea and settled back in to watch my movie. The nausea got progressively worse until I was sure I would vomit. I'm sad to report that I let my phobia enter into the picture at some point and ended up outside in my backyard in my pajamas in the pouring down rain in the middle of the night. The nausea was so bad that I was screaming in my head to God to just let me throw up. My heart was racing and my face was all hot. My throat felt like it was closing off and my stomach was gurgling. I pulled my hair back and squatted down in the back yard and just tried to let it all come out..only it wouldn't. After about one minute or so of the intense feelings, they started to subside a little bit and I started to shake. The "moment" had passed and I went back to being a spastic, panicking person outside in the dark. At this point, I realized that I would look insane to anyone who might see me and headed for the garage, where I sat shaking in a corner. (Everyone else inside the house was asleep and had no clue what I was doing.)

About 30 or 40 minutes later, I got "the feeling" again and ran back outside and repeated the whole "please God just let me do it" routine, same symptoms - same outcome. NADA! I repeated the process again another hour or so later. About 3 am or so, while still feeling horrendous, I managed to come into the house and kick my husband out of the bedroom (with the master bathroom) and tell him that I was sick and panicking. I threw his pillow and a blanket out into the hall and locked the bedroom door behind him. At this point, I was rather pissed at myself for not being able to vomit. I set up camp near the toilet and waited to get "that feeling" again. When it came about 20 minutes later, I failed yet again. Over the next few hours I noticed that the "feeling" was coming at what could have been regular intervals and that the time span in between the "episodes" was increasing.

By 8 am or so, when I hadn't had the "feeling" for a good two hours, I fell asleep. I woke up several hours later and felt better but mentally exhausted. I've done a lot of thinking since Thursday night and Friday morning. Here are some of the conclusions I have come to...

• Was I able to determine whether or not I was truly ill during the ordeal? YES
• Did I have warning before each "episode"? YES
• Did my stomach (and the rest of me) feel "different" than when I am just panicking that I may be ill? YES
• Did I know when it was all over? YES
• Did I know whether or not I had been exposed to some illness that could have caused this? NO
• Did I sit around and try to figure out where it came from when it was going on? NO (And frankly did not give a crap ... it never even entered my mind that I can recall.)

So, at any rate ... I lived through it. I never vomited, but I know that I should have. (But I am also the same person that the hospital couldn't make vomit when I was a toddler after two bottles of ipecac to counteract the whole bottle of children's aspirin I consumed. They had to knock me out and pump my stomach.)

Shari